"Neptune Noir" consists of three shorts:
"Tai's Tech Vlog" - In which Taiyang Xiao Long breaks several cameras whilst attempting to shoot a vlog.
In a space of pure whiteness, the giant blocky title and a certain rose emblem drop from the sky to the ground, where the four miniaturized members of Team RWBY pop out from behind it to smile, wave and adopt poses for the audience while an unseen speaker announces the show as: "RWBY CHIBI"!
In the monochrome office of his private detective business, Neptune Vasilias is wearing a hat and a fake moustache while sitting at his desk. He drinks milk while having an internal monologue to the tune of a saxophone.
Neptune: (voice over) It was a dark and lonely night, just like every night before. But that’s the life I’d chosen. The life of a junior detective. And then she walked into my office.
Neptune flings the paddle ball he had just picked up and played with across the room as the silhouette of Cinder Fall passed the blinds of his window before opening the door of his office.
Neptune: (voice over) I knew the dame was trouble the moment I laid eyes on her.
Cinder blinks multiple times before speaking with a face and tone that indicates she heard the internal monologue.
Cinder: Uh, excuse me?
Neptune: How can I help you, dollface?
Neptune tips his hat to Cinder as she takes a seat opposite him at his desk.
Cinder: I’m trying to find someone. Word on the street is you’re the one to see.
Neptune: (voice over) I could tell she was already falling for me. Falling hard.
Cinder: (looking behind herself before leaning away) Wait, what?
Neptune: (leaning away) U-uh, nothing. Care for a drink?
Neptune slides a glass of milk over to Cinder as they both return to normal seating positions.
Neptune: (voice over): I was hoping she wouldn’t notice the glass was dirty.
Cinder: (pulling hand back away from glass) Uh, no thanks.
Neptune: (voice over) She noticed.
Cinder: I’m looking for the Fall Maiden. She’s… uh, m-my sister.
Neptune: (voice over) Clearly she was lying. But she was such a hot tamale that I just couldn’t tell her no.
Cinder: Can we move this along?
Neptune: First there’s the little matter of my fee.
Cinder: (flicking hair back) Money is no object.
Neptune: (voice over): That was my favourite tune.
Neptune climbs onto the desk.
Neptune: (voice over) But what she didn’t know is, sometimes, I prefered to be paid in smooches.
Neptune puckers his lips while Cinder leans away in her chair with a look of shock and discomfort on her face.
Cinder: (jumping to her feet and slapping Neptune) Back off, buster!
Neptune twirls backward through the air, ricochets off the back off his chair, the rim of his desk, and the back of his chair again to land lying on the front of his chair with his head resting on the desk.
Neptune: (voice over) The case is falling apart faster than a piñata at a mean kid’s birthday party.
Neptune shakes his head as he straightens himself up.
Neptune: (voice over) Lucky for me, I was the only game in town. Or was I?
The door to the office swings open as Zwei enters wearing tweed deerstalker hat with a smoking pipe in his mouth.
Neptune: (leans over the table to point at Zwei) Hey! This is my case! Get outta here you animal!
Cinder: (looking at Zwei) Well, you couldn’t be any worse than this guy. You’re hired.
Zwei gives a small bark of acknowledgment before turning around and exiting the office, followed by Cinder.
Neptune: (voice over): She was gone from my life. It felt like she’d ripped my heart out and taken it with her. But I’m a big boy, and I figured there’s no use crying over spilled milk.
He realizes that while twirling his hat, he’d knocked over his glass of milk. Seeing it spill down the corner of the table onto the floor, Neptune falls to one knee and wails. Nearby, it turns out Sun Wukong, wearing detective glasses and a fedora, was the one wailing on the saxophone all alone. He releases his mouth to deliver advice.
Sun: Forget it, dude. It’s Chibitown.
Peter Port eats a chicken drumstick while sitting on a stone by a campfire in a forest.
Port: Ha-ha! Are you weak and whiny? Too soft to face the great outdoors? Do people often confuse you for a newborn kitten?
He throws the remnants of his drumstick into the fire and leaps to his feet.
Port: Well, you’re in luck. Because I’m here to help you.
As he struts away from the fire closer to a clearing, the episode title stamps across the screen one word at a time: MAN UP WITH PORT!
Port: Today, we’re going to build a fort using only a tree, a hammer and your bare teeth. Ah, just kidding, we don’t need a hammer.
Taking the hammer he’d presented, Port flings it behind him where it sticks into a tree.
Port: All we need is determination. Sheer willpower and manliness! It won’t be easy, but…
As Port continues his macho monologue, Winter Schnee appears in the background, walking into the clearing.
Port: … if you can stick with me—
Port abruptly notices Winter when he hears her footstep. He stops and turns to stare at her. Winter, unaware or unacknowledging, takes out her sword and Summons a log cabin of ice. Port’s eyes go wide. He tries to recover his pride as Winter walks into her shelter.
Port: I mean, sure, that’s one way to do it. . . . But her butt’s gonna be cold.
Taiyang Xiao Long is walking down the Beacon courtyard, facing a camera.
Taiyang: Hey, guys! This is Tai’s Tech Vlog. I heard these vlog thingies are all the rage, so I figured how hard could it be to—
Taiyang falls to the ground, having tripped over something. His camera captures him landing awkwardly before it cuts out.
Taiyang is sitting on the stones of the courtyard, a couple empty benches behind him. He looks abashed.
Taiyang: So… I dropped my camera and, yeah, it’s broken after five seconds, but that’s OK because I have a back up! Check this out!
He holds out both hands to the camera, and we see Zwei’s tail wave back and forth.
Taiyang: That’s right! Zwei-Cam! (baby voice) Who’s a good cameraman? You are.
Zwei starts barking and Taiyang looks alarmed. Zwei starts running, moving away from Taiyang, who chases after him.
Taiyang: No! Zwei, come back! Sit! Stay. Stay!
Tripping over a small rise in the stones, Taiyang falls flat on his face.
Still in the courtyard, Taiyang is sheepishly determined to give it another go.
Taiyang: OK, one last camera. But, it’s not just any camera.
He clicks the remote in his hand and the camera angle change to an airborne one.
Taiyang: Drone-Cam. That’s right. How cool is this? Check out the bird’s eye view of… Oh.
The camera moves from focusing down on Taiyang to straight ahead at an oncoming pink-eyed crow. The crow is startled and tries to avoid the collision, but doesn’t. The camera falls from the drone and briefly shows both the crow and the drone falling as it spins in the air. It lands on the ground, facing the Academy. First the drone lands. Qrow Branwen is face first on the ground shortly after. Taiyang rushes over and looks between the two, anxious. Finally he grabs the drone and runs off, spewing words.
Taiyang: Please like, comment and subscribe!
Qrow’s leg twitches twice.
- Main article: Image Gallery
- Burnie Burns, the voice actor for Taiyang Xiao Long, is known to shoot vlogs for Rooster Teeth.
- Sun's line "Forget it, dude. It's Chibitown" is a reference to the movie Chinatown, when Walsh answers Jake "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."